Right now, it’s back.

It’s back.
Was it ever really gone?
It goes away for a while; it gives me a break;
it reminds me how it feels to be alive.

For a moment.

And then it comes back,
and it hits me harder each time it does.

I remembered the happiness- I felt it. I lived it. 
I swam in it and I soaked it in.
And now I’m drowning again, but in very different waters,
and I can’t remember how it feels to swim.

I know I was happy yesterday.
But today makes me doubt that truth.
I know I am alive. I know I can fight.
But right now I just don’t want to.
Right now I don’t have the energy.
Right now I want to melt away.
Right now I want to go straight down the drain.
Right now, I want to disappear.

I hope that by tomorrow, the waters will have changed.
I hope that by next week, today will be the memory.
I hope that by next month, I’ll have nicer things to say.
But right now, in this moment, I want everything to end.
Right now, in this moment,
I want to close my eyes,
And let the ocean lull me off to sleep.

Disclaimer: I’m not going to hurt myself in any way. Don’t worry, and don’t freak out. I might be feeling like I’m at the end, but I know I’m not. Sadly, this is my reality far too often.  Just thought I’d share something different from the usual posts. I hope I didn’t upset anyone with this.

One thought on “Right now, it’s back.

  1. Hi Becca. I know you, or at least I did a few years back. We boob fived that one time, remember! I came across your blog a few days ago and read it through and felt the need to comment. I know me and you aren’t friends. I was good mates with your boyfriend, and nearly every conversation with him was about him being worried sick about you. And I wanted to do whatever I could to help you. At the time you wouldn’t hear me at all, you’d ignore my messages and everything, and I get it. Now. I probably didn’t at the time, but now I do. I have been through something similar myself only recently, and luckily was brought up by someone before I fell too deep into it. I just wanted to drop a message saying that when I found your blog I was super happy to see you’re doing better, and then super sad seeing that you have fallen to the state again. I don’t know if my words or existence would be of any help, but if so, please email me and we can talk in confidence. If you don’t want that, I understand, but I want you to know that I will always be there for anyone and though I might not understand things fully nor know you that well, I just want to try and be supportive in any way I can. I sincerely hope things will go back to “normal”/”better” again, and I am always an email away!



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