24, Broke and Happy

Today, I turned 24, and  I am not who i thought i would be.  I did not envision myself being so lost and unsure about life at 24.  I realise I’m still a baby in the eyes of some (and in the grand scheme of things to some degree), and i have heaps of time to figure  this whole “life” business out.  But still: this is not the life i expected to be living at the age of 24.

I did not think i’d be “unemployed” and i did not anticipate that i’d be hopping between continents, unable to decide where the hell i belong at any given moment.  I did not think i’d have a recent history of attempted suicide, psych ward visits and a body full of scars and necessary chemicals.

However, none of this means i am not entirely thrilled by, and proud of, the person i am today.

A year ago, i had my sincerest doubts that i’d live to celebrate another birthday.  I thought i was terminally ill.  I thought my schizo-affective disorder and depression were going to kill me, and the scariest part was knowing they would use my very own hands to get the job done.

But I fought.  And i fought hard.  But i did not fight alone.

In the last year, i have gone through a lot of changes.  I have grown a lot.  I have matured.  I have gotten wiser with each and every day that has gone by, and with every conversation i have been a part of. This year has been the longest (and somehow also the shortest), most testing of my life.  But also the best.

I want to say thank you to every single person in my life. I would not be the same without you.  I would not be here without you.  I would not be able to do what I do without your unending and unconditonally loving support.

One of the many things I have learned this year is that i can really help people. By simply speaking my mind and posting my rawest thoughts on the internet, I can help people.

And my will to do so has never been stronger.

To my friends, my family, my acquaintances – old and new alike – and even to the strangers I have yet to meet: thank you from the bottom of my heart and soul.  I owe you my life and in return for that, i’ll do whatever I can to remind the world of the lessons I have learned with your help: a mental illness does not have to be a death sentence.

I’ve been on this road a while, and I’m certainly  not cured.  I’m sure as hell not perfect.  I’m still fighting, and chances are I always will be.  But i will never fight alone again.  And if I can help it, neither will anyone else.

I love you all. Here’s to being 24, broke and happy!