Giving up on Depression

When I’m depressed, I can’t remember what it feels like to be happy. I forget that I’ve been happy before. I believe I’ve been like this forever: this is the only state of mind I’ve ever been in, and it’s the only state of mind I will ever be in.

If somebody on the outside is telling me, “it gets better,” or “you’ll be fine.” It just makes me more angry. All I can think in those moments is, “yeah that’s you. You might feel better later. You can remember what it’s like to be happy. Yeah, that’s you – that’s not me.”

I get so delusional when I’m depressed that there is no convincing me – at least not from a third party. When I read my own words, though, there’s just no denying it. So when I’m in a good mood, I try to write about it. And then I read it when I’m depressed.

Sometimes I think, “yeah well, I felt like that before, but I’m never gonna feel that way again.”  But in the back of my mind, there’s always that thought that, no- you know what- that was me. Those were my thoughts. And if I’ve been there before, after I’ve been in a state like this, then it’ll happen again; I will climb out of this.

When I’m depressed, I think that everyone is against me. I think that I’m useless and I think that nobody wants to be around me, and the only reason people are – if they are – is because they feel bad for me, or they feel guilty, or they feel responsible. I hate myself and I can’t even imagine how anyone could feel any differently.

I forget that people are there with me because they want to be. They’re there for me because of the non-depressed me. They remember the real me, who’s hiding somewhere underneath this blanket of depression that is sometimes all too consuming. They remember that person and they want to help fight to get her back. That’s why they’re there.

On one hand, I want someone there with me. I want to know I’m not alone.

But on the other hand, I don’t want anyone around because I don’t want anyone subjected to my negativity and I don’t want to have to explain myself to anyone.

I want to just cry, and feel bad for myself, and ignore everything else in the world and just live in my fucking miserable bubble. Because it’s really all I feel like I can do.

These are the thoughts that are going through my mind:
“I’m a piece of shit.”
“Everyone hates me.”
“They want to have their own life without me in it.”

When I’m in a better state of mind, I feel bad for myself and for the fact that I cant realise how much people actually love me. 

I don’t think anyone really resents the person that’s projecting these feelings. They resent the depression – the thing that’s making the person be that person, because they’re not that person.

So this is what I want to say, to anyone who recognizes the feelings I described above:

This isn’t who you are. This is a state that you’re in. This is something that can be dealt with.

You feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. You feel totally useless and helpless, and hopeless, and worthless. You feel like you’re not even here anymore – you feel like you’ve already died. And on top of that, you genuinely believe that nobody actually wants you around.

You think that you’re taking away their fun. You think that you’re taking away all of the happy feelings that they could be feeling, that they cant be feeling because they’re busy feeling your sadness with you. But they can always leave – they can walk away. If they don’t want to be there for you then they don’t have to be there for you.

There’s always gonna be people who just don’t get it. People who just brush you off – the worst is when people accuse you of making shit up. They just don’t understand. They never will. And that’s okay.

Nobody wants to see you sad. But it’s okay that you are. People can help you get out of that sadness. Whether it’s therapy, binge watching a tv show and pigging out on ben and jerry’s with a friend – you don’t have to say a word. Whether it’s medication, or going for a run, or reading a book and forgetting about yourself for an hour or two.

Or whether it’s feeling everything that you’re feeling – all of those terrible emotions. Let them consume you for a bit. Feel shitty. Feel terrible. Feel awful. Feel everything and then let yourself become numb to it. And then, take a deep breath. Cry yourself to sleep. And then get up in the morning and read your happy thoughts. Try to picture yourself at the moment you wrote it – try to remember how great you felt. The same person who wrote those happy things is the same person who’s feeling shitty right now.

You were happy. You can be happy again.

Don’t give up. Even if it’s all you wanna do. Because even if you can’t see a future for yourself right now… you still have one. And you can figure out what it is.

Just don’t give up.

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6 thoughts on “Giving up on Depression

  1. Light in the dark. I have a good feeling of what it’s all like. Everything you wrote, good, bad, all resonates in me each day. It’s amazing how we forget that so many others feel this way. Being alone sucks, but it’s so hard to reach out. “they hate me, this or that” it’s enough to drive you nuts, then you wonder, “Am I?” Well, I wonder. Keep looking for that light, even if it’s hard to see or find. So badly, we all want to heal and find peace. I do.

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    • It amazes me at how many people tell me they have the same thoughts and feelings. It’s somehow comforting to know that I’m not the only person who feels like this – it makes me think that other people can’t be so concerned with me, because they’re likely feeling something similar about themselves. That in itself brings me back down to reality a little bit.

      Thank you for your reply. It was beautiful. I hope you’re doing okay.

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      • Yes, some days are better or worse than others. I struggle with thinking what others will or currently think of me, now that I’m fighting this. Will they judge me? I bet they do, I’m sure if it. At least that’s what my mind wants to tell me. What if it is true? On and on. It’s hard to fight it, yet I’ve been trying. I still am unsure of what to do, who to turn to, where to go, or if I should go anywhere. I wonder if anyone around me, my age feels the same. Do they? I don’t know. I’ve turned “anti-social”. I’ve been trying to help others, at least try to, online. Help yourself before others, I know. I have to try to help others though, even if I can’t help myself. We’re all beautiful as well as our replies. They’re short stories, pieces of each of us. I don’t strive to be anything though. Not at the moment. I’m thinking of leaving, maybe. Where would I go, what would I do? What if I fail? I don’t have anyone to fall back on if I fuck up. Oh well, just thinking out loud. I hope each one of us makes it through this.

        Don’t thank me. Let me thank you.

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  2. I’m glad you’ve made a blog detailing your perspective on depression. I’ve been depressed for only 2 years, but I still would like to share my own.

    When we are depressed, we often feel comfortable in our own misery, and that’s what is so dangerous about depression. Depression, unlike sadness, is perpetual; it’s like a drug itself, where we take “sadness” into ourselves to keep on going. I know that may seem perpetual, but many people who are depressed almost in a sense “choose” to be depressed.

    Yes there as got to have been a tangible reason why they were depressed, or at least in most cases. But that reason should not account for such a long period of sadness. Depression isn’t a normal emotional response to an event, it is an injury that we refuse to let get better.

    Many times, we actually feed our emotions; we feed our depression. Depression has replaced “normal” or maybe “happy” as the default emotion, and we feed it like we feed ourselves energy to function. So we do things that dig us into an even deeper hole of depression– drug addiction, alcohol, art, music, poetry, even just feeling the depression itself to comfort us. When the default should have been “normal” or even “happy”, we forcefully chose to be depressed and made it our default.

    One striking analysis of the depressing mind is that when we do things, we have a natural bias to make it the worst it can possibly be. This not only fuels your depression, but is also a LIE that makes you feel trapped.

    Your mind might be saying something like this:

    “Ok.. so I am going to do yadadadada, if I fail, then yeah my life REALLY sucks…”

    When in reality, that mindset almost makes you WANT to fail, to confirm that your life sucks.

    Other times, there are situations that just make you feel trapped. These are difficult to overcome, and may not even be possible. But the one thing we CAN overcome, REGARDLESS of our situation, is the emotional response we give towards our situation.

    One thing that I never physically changed, but have come to emotional means with it, was my hair loss. I began losing hair at age 8, and now, 7 years later, I guess I’m incredibly lucky to still have a full head of hair, but the first few years was emotionally crippling for me. That completely ruined my self-image, and it was one of the factors that actually led to my depression. While I didn’t gain more hair, I did gain the emotional stability to deal with it.

    And I understand that you most likely face an issue wayyyyy worse than this. I don’t believe I’m anywhere near an authority of experience on human suffering, but the concept is still the same. Don’t let the same things that get you down repeatedly do so. Learn to live with it!

    So… TL;DR

    Depression is a DRUG that we fuel.
    Depression may be because of a physical trap that you can’t get through.
    Depression does NOT have to be an emotional response to that trap.

    And finally, I believe that extraordinary willpower is needed to escape depression. Not just happiness, but you need the desire to be happy. And I have found that desire through the pain that depression has brought actually, rather than the actual desire to be happy. (Perhaps it can be more accurate to say that it’s the desire to escape depression because it is too painful to continue otherwise.)

    And it has made me a more round and stable person.

    Note: This is by no means exhaustive. I purposefully left out many major insights on depression because I wanted to just focus on a few.

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